What Happened to me?

 My mind is all over the place today.....

It has been for quite some time now, honestly. I feel so anxious, part of me knows why, the other part of me is baffled about the matter. I just want everything to fall in place! I just want to feel whole again. I miss feeling like I had my life figured out for the most part. I miss having an agenda with friends, I miss going to a job that I genuinely enjoy. I miss smiling all day long simply because there was nothing to frown about. 

The truth is, I MISS ME! 

The happy me, the free me, the me with all the clothes and shoes. The me who could set a hair appointment, a nail appointment, shop before the weekend and take off into the place of my choosing to escape reality without silently panicking about spending money that I may need incase of an emergency. 

WHEW!!!!!

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? Where did I get lost?

I'm not exactly when it happened, but it happened! I guess deep down, I'm one of those people who has to constantly feel challenged! I have to feel accomplished. I've always been an overachiever, now that I think about it. 

I remember calling home crying to my aunt about making a "B" on an exam back in nursing school. Most people were ecstatic to pass the exam but I couldn't understand why I couldn't make an "A." Quite frankly, it never really mattered much to me about what other people were satisfied with concerning themselves. 

Everyone has their own philosophy of what a good life is. Everyone's definition of happiness is described differently; yet there's no right or wrong answer. 

"To each it's own," as the old folk say! I just have always held myself to a higher standard. I learned early on that in order to get more, one must in turn, do more! 

In nursing school, I felt like somebody. I felt important! I felt strong and courageous. I felt fearless and it felt good! I got the opportunity to help people and learn at the same time! The program was extremely rigorous and the work load was unbelievably overwhelming sometimes but I studied hard and I  persevered. 

I graduated and began preparing for my state board exam (NCLEX- RN). Needless to say, I failed my exam and since then I have honestly felt like such a failure. I mean, I know that I am not a failure, but that is how I feel sometimes. The anxiety that I experience just from thinking about the NCLEX makes me nauseated. 

The people around me don't understand the humiliation and anguish that come along with failing this exam. Not to mention, I failed it more than once. Each time that I didn't pass, I lost a little more confidence in myself. I hid my pain and shame from the family & friends; I still do. 

I don't want to discuss it or throw a pity party about it...

I just want to pass it, move on, and focus my attention on my other dreams!

I've always been the "strong" one so people expect me to always be "okay."  Over the years, Ive had a few odds against me more than a few times and I still managed to come out on top! This time, I felt defeated! I know that I am more than capable of passing my exam and becoming an amazing R.N. 

.....But doubt and worry still have a way of creeping up on me! 

It's just hard to not get anxious thinking about my failed attempts. There were times when I was ill prepared because my priorities were in the wrong place and I didn't take the time to properly prepare. But there were also times when I felt ready and still unsuccessful....

As we all know, timing is everything and I do realize that maybe it just hasn't happened because it hasn't been my "time!" Maybe God has been protecting me from something or better yet preparing me for something. 

Fast forwardddddd......

I've focused on maintaining balance this time around, in all aspects of my life. I've learned that anything done in excess can be detrimental; even studying!! I "put all of my eggs in one basket" in the past. This time, I have prepared several baskets to distribute my eggs, so to speak. 

I tried different methodologies for living this year, mainly because I want a different result. I want peace within myself more than anything! I want to be genuinely happy with myself again. 

This year,  I've had time this year to sit still and listen to myself. I've had the time to self reflect and start acknowledging my flaws and my short-comings! 

I complained about not having a car this year but looking back, I've needed to sit still. I needed this time to appreciate the silence and fully embrace myself again. FLAWS & ALL! 

I've had time to listen to the little girl in me and still owe her so much! 

Often times, I have to remind myself of just how far I've come!

 I'm slowly getting back to the "old me." It's a process within a process but I am up for the challenge because I am worthy of happiness, success, peace and love! 

And to think, I'm just a few questions away from a  little less stress and whole lot more opportunities! 

No matter what, I am so proud of myself and as long as I am breathing, I am already a success! :)