HARD TO LOVE

 It had just occurred to me that for  most of my life I have felt like I was hard to love. 

No one really had to say it aloud, I just automatically felt that way!

I am a reader or energy and body language! 

 I have always been either explosive or silent; there really is no in between! 

 I am not perfect & I have never proclaimed to be either! I have been both the victim and the victimizer in relationships: personal, causal, intimate or platonic... and when I love people I love hard! If I care about you, I care about you! I'd go miles on feet for the people that I love but I don't feel like anybody loves me as much as I love them; and that is okay! 

I stopped looking for myself in other people a long time ago. But I do require what I reciprocate and that is why it is so easy for me to walk away from the things that no longer serve me! 

Respect and loyalty trump love in my life! 

I am disrespectful when I feel disrespected and I am combative when I don't feel safe! But I am not hard to love!

However, I am not a door mat and I am not easy to fool and that is what upsets people about me!

I have been through years of self love that I have had to instill WITHIN MYSELF; enduring countless hours of therapy to heal MYSELF! I have had to unlearn behaviors and rewire my brain to look at this world differently than what it feels like to me. I have had to be okay with "I'm sorry's," that I didn't get, being gaslighted my entire life about what I do and don't remember or what did or did not hurt me... 

And yet, I still manage to find the kindness and strength within myself to exude the love to others that I want to feel myself because I know how it feels to feel unloved and unwanted and out of place! 

I have learned to be more gentle with myself and I accept responsibility when I am in the wrong but for as long as I live..NO ONE WILL EVER MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I AM HARD TO LOVE BECAUSE I AM NOT! 

That has been my promise to myself and I am keeping it! 

Anybody who makes you feel like I am hard to love AREN'T MY PEOPLE! 

You're not hard to love either! YOU MAY HAVE WORK TO DO BUT YOU'RE NOT HARD TO LOVE!