Goodnight Insomnia
Tonight, I am actually sleepy and it feels good!
Even though I often refer to my Bipolar (Type II) disorder as "magical, it's also a hell of a roller coaster some days! Sleep is something that I either get too much of or not enough. I have always been a bit of a night owl. But nothing is more frustrating than being trapped inside of an exhausted body with a live wire of a brain. My thoughts, though they were often good ones, flowed into my my mind all at once and out of my mouth rather too rapidly. It was second nature for me to run things across my mind a time or two before speaking aloud because sometimes even I didn't know what I was going to say.
Looking back I wonder how much of my personality is "me," per say, how much is actually trauma and how much is my disorder responsible for?
Even the things that I can't do anything about; those things make me who I am. I am unique, (as we all are), and there is no-one else in the world and it's entirety that is exactly like me!
Some days I feel heavenly, other days I feel like I've lived in hell the entire time. Everyday, I get up and make a honest effort to put my best foot forward though. Different days require a different version of myself. So my extreme ups and downs have their perks. But I'll never tell anyone that it's an easy journey because it isn't. Learning new HEALTHY coping mechanisms, accepting a diagnosis, adhering to medication, taking cognitive therapy seriously, listening to my body, relearning WHO I am post diagnosis, and falling in love with MY WHOLE self again has not at all been easy but it's rewarding.
I definitely wanted to write this particular blog before bed because, I need to remind myself that everything about me, everything that has happened to me, everything within in me and around me is to BETTER me, even if it doesn't make sense in the moment!
I also wanted to point out that I am extremely passionate about mental health because it is often times overlooked and put on the "backburner" of healthcare when it should indeed be the forefront! We are NOTHING without healthy functional cognition.
"We are what we EAT but we are also what we THINK!
I often tell people if it costs me my mental health the price is far too expensive!
It took me quite some time to get where I am mentally and I couldn't be more proud of myself; proud of my progress and not my desire for perfection.
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